Children Talking to Little Women in Boxes

This article in the Wall Street Journal on the early childhood development impacts of digital personal assistants and smart speakers made me think of Mrs Neu. If she were early in her career at this point, she would have certainly developed a learned opinion on this topic.

Here is the article lead: 

“Par­ents, your child may have a new se­cret friend: your smart speaker.

Drawn by the de­vices’ voice-ac­ti­vated in­ter­faces and warm, play­ful tone, chil­dren as young as 1 are in­ter­act­ing with Ama­zon’s Alexa, Google’s As­sistant or Apple’s Siri long be­fore they can type or swipe, new re­search shows.

This is new ter­ri­tory for fam­i­lies. For the first time, chil­dren who are too young to dis­tin­guish fan­tasy from re­al­ity are en­gag­ing with de­vices pow­ered by ar­ti­fi­cial in­tel­li­gence. Many see smart speak­ers as mag­i­cal, im­bue them with hu­man traits and boss them around like a Ma­rine drill ser­geant, ac­cord-ing to sev­eral new stud­ies in the past year.”

Apart from picking up rude habits, which is the article title’s concern, will children growing up with these devices pick up totally unexpected habits and see other skill-sets degraded? Kids growing up with smartphones don’t often have good phone conversation skills, for example, but they can text, post, and watch on a level those of us who did not grow up with them can’t match. What will kids growing up with ever smarter versions of Alexa, Siri and Hey Google be losing and gaining? What might they tell them? And since children are also listening, what will they learn from what these little women say? 

Crying Over Standardized Tests

Mrs Neu was not a fan of standardized tests. This was especially true when it came to testing younger children whose brains may not be yet fully wired to make all the connections needed to succeed in taking what they'd been taught by a teacher and answering a standardized question on the test. 

She once wrote:

“A teacher cried today. She stepped out of her classroom where her third graders had their heads bent over the State’s standardized test and tried to compose herself. She saw me and shook her head. “I tried so hard, I did everything I could to prepare them” she said. “But they are just not making the connections, they are just not ready to do this. It’s cruel to keep on with it every day—seven and half-hours of testing in a week? I can’t stand it.” A new teacher? One of those withoutcredentials? No, one of the best teachers in the state. This teacher has years of experience and has advanced training in reading and math. She works long hours to meet the educational needs of her diverse group. She does everything possible to help herstudents learn.I guess she will have to be fired (if she doesn’t quit in despair) because her test scores will be down. Her students don’t have the development and maturity to pull together what they have been taught. They haven’t yet made the connections to learn what is needed to get high scores on the test. They will be failures even though they have made much progress.I cry too.”

Another Take on Speaking to Children

Couldn't help but thinking about Mrs Neu's take on speaking to children, when reading this in The Wall Street Journal: 

“We say these things to ensure that our children feel loved, encouraged and secure and also to instill self-control and manners. But how do our good intentions translate?

The problem is that at its core, this way of speaking is all about control. We use it to tell our kids what we want them to say (“Say sorry!”); how we want them to feel (“You’re OK!”); what we want them to do (“Behave yourself!”); and what will happen if they don’t (“Do you want a timeout?”).

In other words, parentspeak is about compliance—and that often keeps us from understanding the feelings, motivations, thoughts and behavior of our children. Rather than teaching them to communicate and problem solve, we are essentially teaching them to obey.”

— The Wrong Way to Speak to Children, by Jennifer Lehr, WSJ, January 6, 2017

It Should be No Choice to be Raised as an Adult

Mrs Neu was big on teaching right from wrong and saw this as inherent in being put on track to becoming an adult. While this was the job of a parent to teach in her view, unfortunately, not every parent models good adult behavior. This was the subject of the following note she left behind entitled "No Choice."

Knowing right from wrong makes you not this

If becoming a grown up were a choice, I would be very busy right now, sending notes to a lot of people I know saying “It’s Time!! Choose now!

Unfortunately, becoming an adult is a long involved process; not a quick fix.

      Some fifty years ago, my favorite child psychologist wrote that babies are born basically animals and it is the training of parents, church, community, that turns them into civilized human beings.  If the training isn’t done, we wind up with full grown human animals. It is scary to me that I see so many of these self centered people who have no self control.

      One of the biggest factors in making people civilized is the development of the conscience. Having a sense of what is right  and feeling remorse and guilt when doing wrong should be intrinsic to being adult.   

Having values, respect, and concern for others, isn’t a developmental thing,    but rather is brought about by the approval or disapproval of the parent. If the parent doesn’t scold or correct, if the parent never punishes or objects, a child has no guidelines.  Lucky for me, my parents were very quick to help me know what was what! 

      Being grown up is so intrinsic to who I am, I can’t seperate out an event  that shows me being adult--I just AM.

A Lesson for Picky Dinner Eaters

Getting back into the school routine compresses time for making and eating dinner. The structure of school may also prompt children to indulge their want to be picky eaters at home. It’s a nightmare.

Mrs Neu confronted this with her grandkids, and it prompted her to write about what dinner was like for her as a child. Mrs Neu grew up in a small, railroad town in the Sierras called Portola. 

When I was a child, there was no concern about what I wanted to eat. Dinner was prepared and I came to the table and ate. Sometimes we ate breakfast for dinner because Dad was getting up from a day of sleeping and going off to work on the railroad. Sometimes we ate dinner in the morning because he was just coming home. When Dad was gone, my sisters and my mom and I would often eat over at a relative’s house. And of course, we ate every Friday dinner at Grandma Patterson’s house, and Sunday dinner at Grandma Joy’s.

The food was served up in bowls and passed around the table. My sister’s and I helped ourselves and ate.

Maybe there was so much going on with the people at the table that the food wasn’t important. We were too busy visiting to care what was served.  We also didn’t have the opportunity to snack so we were truly hungry.

There is probably a lesson in her remembrance of dinner as a child: 

• Don't make what's for dinner a choice
• Mix things up
• Make dinner social
• Cut back on snacks so your child is truly hungry for dinner.

More On Talking to Children

 The following is from some sort of lecture Mrs Neu gave that was found on her Mac.

Thoughts to Take Home With You 

    From birth to going to school, children learn about 20,000 words.  The home is the place this learning happens best, through the talking. Usually there are not good talking opportunities in a classroom.    Having meals together is considered extremely important for talking time.  These days, most parents spend only 15 minutes a day in conversations with their  children.  Reading stories and talking about them, teaching nursery rhymes, singing songs, all help a child develop  talking.  Having opportunities to have free play, helps children reconstruct things learned and to use their language skills.  Talking with adults helps children learn the meaning of words, develop sequence, etc. Talk about what you are doing, what you see, what you think....

TALK TO CHILDREN IN A NORMAL VOICE: give up baby talk. don’t raise your tone.  RAPID HIGH PITCHED SPEECH is hard to hear.  Screaming at a child incites fear and they can’t listen well. If this is something you do, Dear Abby has a booklet.

It is important to express anger, being upset, disapproval, clearly and calmly                              for a child to learn right from wrong and to develop a conscience.

TALK TO children UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL.  LOOK THEM IN THE EYE, SIT DOWN WITH THEM.

Don't make your children  invisible when with you and you are talking to an adult.  Don’t talk about their mistakes, misdeeds, etc. to another while these children are listening.  Don’t let others do that, like teachers, doctors.... This reinforces the behavior.

Don’t label: this is our child who talks too much...runs everywhere...doesn’t listen...doesn’t eat vegetables. ...

        Don’t make your sentences questions with a rise at the end or an added OK?  Don’t say "Would you, could you." Don’t imply  a choice when there isn’t one.  Don‘t give many choices, two is plenty.

        Use the word “I” a lot.  I want, I need, I think, I saw, I liked....

Use short directions.  Give directions up close to the child with eye contact.  Use words the child knows.  Behave doesn’t tell a child much.  Stop harrassing your sister tells much more.

Don’t go on and on and don’t repeat and repeat and repeat.

        Beware of power struggles.    Train your children so that your “No” is not negotiable and that "Now" is not in 20 minutes.  (Be firm, don’t give in.)(Redirect the child, help the child make transitions; give clear expectations; i.e., how long TV can be watched, etc.)

        I wouldn’t try to talk through temper tantrums.  The child is either tired or frustrated (try a hug or gentle helping hand) OR is trying to get what is wanted.  Try redirecting.  Sing a known song, read that favorite book, walk away. Calmly express your displeasure afterwards. Think of ways to avoid....

        React when your child is disrespectful.  Train your child to know what respect is by how you respect your child.

        I hope you found this helpful.  Here’s my most helpful book.  I hope you read and reread it many times: The Magic Years: Understanding and Handling the Problems of Early Childhood, by Selma M. Fraiberg

--------From Barbara Neu

It is important to look children in the eyes. 

Children Are Listening

As noted, Mrs Neu learned a lot from Nora Sterling at DPNS. One of the key things she learned from Nora is how to talk about, talk to and talk with children. Here is an excerpt about this from her memoir draft.

I participated in the [DPNS] program weekly with Legend, Nora Sterling. Not only did she help train me to be an effective parent, she changed my way of teaching forever. I had taught first grade 5 years before I had children--she helped me know that the relationships I had with my students was far more powerful than the curriculum. She helped me learn how to talk about, talk to, and talk with children. Over the years, classes I took, and the reading I did confirmed her wisdom. I have spent almost fifty years working with children ages four to seven and I am going to share some of our wisdom.

A special event happened last week right outside the school when I came to pick up my neighbor's little boy, I was standing under the overhang out of the rain with another mother who was holding about a two year old. Another mother came in and greeted both me, the mother and the little boy. She proceeded to have a conversation with them both.

This is far from the norm. I have often noticed how many times a child seems to be invisible in a conversation.This can be a serious problem when an adult talks about their child as though the child can't hear, or about another child as if a child present is not listening. "My child just won’t eat vegetables," they might say, "I try and try but it can’t be done." The listening child is thinking, no vegetables for me.

It is very important to be careful what you say about your listening child. Don’t let the child be invisible. If you are meeting with a teacher, or a doctor about problems, don’t discuss these problems unless the child can be included in the conversation, or, if not, ask to speak together without the child there. ALWAYS BE AWARE that a near child could be listening to you talk. What are your words telling the child?

More on talking to children to come ...